Anxious Money
It was time to think about getting a new job, I had been home with my baby for almost a year (10 months to be precise). Maternity leave was great, but my savings were running low and I was extremely uncomfortable with the figure that was staring back at me whenever I looked at my bank balance.
So I revamped my CV and started applying for jobs.
And then I got my first job interview. It was my dream job role and I was excited!
Travel … tick
Sharing my knowledge… tick
Flexible working … tick
Well paid … tick
When I got called for the second round of interviews, you won't believe how I felt inside! Terrified !!! Yes, terrified!
I was scared I would get the job of my dreams and have no credible reason or excuse to turn it down.
I wanted to work but I no longer enjoyed working in my industry.
That was when I noticed it for the first time. I noticed a sore spot right on the top of my head and a small bald spot which was perfectly hidden within my thick black coily afro hair. And now that I was aware of it, I noticed how much my scalp hurt.
You see dressing up my hair had become one of those things on my to-do list I had to do which I didn't enjoy. My hair had become this matted terrifying afro mess that was half dreaded and half twisted. And had become a thing of personal shame.
I had been pulling out my hair for weeks and I didn't even notice what I was doing.
It was crazy. It really hurt, but I couldn't help myself so I sought help from a specialist doctor.
I knew something was definitely wrong.
So I decided to get rid of my hair, my to-do list and my self-expectations.
30 mins after the clipper touched my scalp for the first time, my husband revealed my new look to me in a mirror. My first thought? “Geez girl! you IS fineee!”
“Worrying about money can affect your mental well being, even if you actually have more than enough”
I was liberated! I was free! My hair and its patches which reminded me of all the things I had to do that I didn't want to do was gone.
But I was still the same. I got rid of the hair now I needed to get rid of my thoughts. I needed to change the way I saw money.
Growing up, I believed being able to take care of myself meant always having a secure well paying job. I was now a mother of two with no job and no passion to return to my old consulting world. And this freaked me out!
I was so anxious about the future and worried about how my family would maintain our lifestyle. So to fix it started a “spending fast”, desperately trying to cling on to every pound that was left in my bank account.
And my conversations reflected my state of mind.
I would speak to my mother and say things like “I’m saving mom I can’t buy her another toy Doctor’s set ” to try and encourage some sympathy ( weird I know).
Conversations with my siblings would end with “You know I am not work but God will provide”.
When my daughter would make her daily requests for new toys because the ones she plays with yesterday were “not good anymore” or for sweets which I could easily afford... she would be met with a sharp “I don’t have any money...”
and chats with my cousin always included “how do we make this money?”
Finally, I figured my money must have felt my anxiety also and wasn’t interested in hanging around any longer, cause it kept depleting faster via parking tickets.
Then I knew for sure I had “Anxious Money”. You know you have anxious money when your relationship with money is based on worrying it isn’t enough or that you won’t make more. And it’s definitely not a fun place to be.
I want to point out here that i’m lucky, I am grateful that I have a wonderful and supportive husband who kept reminding me he had our back. And I know many omen do not have the luxury of having consistent financial support.
I decided to think and believe that I would always have more than enough money instead of worrying my money would run out.
Did it work? Well, I have cut my hair two more times because I still fall back into the habit of pulling my hair out when I think of money. But now I’m aware of what I am doing so I remind myself “I will always have more than enough no matter what my bank balance says”.
The way we think about money strains our relationships with ourselves and others. And can hinder us from being our best selves.
How would your life change if you flipped the script on the worst-case-scenario movie you have created, direct, feature in and keep on constant replay in your mind?
I got to the final interview stage for that “dream job role” but I didn’t get the job. Something about it going to a “single male with travel experience”.
Important things to remember
The way we think about and interpret our money situations has a huge effect on the way we value ourselves. And we have 100% control of the thoughts we chose to think irrespective of our situations.
Our bank balance whether large or small can mask or reveal deeper issues.
How to deal with Anxious Money
Be attentive and honest to yourself.
Be aware when your behaviour is out of character and find out why
Pay attention to the moments when you find yourself holding your breath or you feel the tension in certain parts of your body
And be aware of your anxiety triggers
Share your worries with someone you trust
Understand where your money goes and why.
Your Money Or Your Mind? I want both!
If I had to choose between having a healthy bank balance or a peaceful mind, I would pick both! Take care of your mind, and your mind will take care of you because you need a healthy mind to make money and enjoy the money you make.
Elizabeth x
p.s. Send me an email or reply in the comments if there are areas in your life that has been strained by money. A problem shared is a problem halved.